I have a long, long list of blogs I read. One of my favorites is The Simple Dollar. The writer, Trent, blogs about his personal journey to responsibly managing finances (a topic near and dear to my heart as many of my close friends might know). I have to admit that although I enjoy his blog, there are some things he advises that I don’t agree with, or I think that he oversteps his knowledge a little. But shouldn’t anyone who reads the advice of others take it with a grain of salt? I think Trent’s appeal can be largely attributed to his style, which is open and conversational rather than stodgy and journalistic, and the fact that he doesn’t shy from divulging candid accounts of own family’s choices and struggles with managing their finances. I really do recommend his blog to any of my friends that are interested in personal finance.

The other day he wrote to a reader who wanted advice on achieving his dream: becoming a professional golfer. I found the advice compelling (if not exactly groundbreaking) because it is something I struggle with: I want to know what my “passion” is and I yearn to be good at something, rather than just mediocre.

Of course, I always have these little crises while studying for professional exams. I’m really not being overly modest when I saw that I am not a superstar at my chosen profession. I get by, but I’m below average in terms of achievement, and boy, is that a tough burden to carry around. Maybe because, in general, I am of above average intelligence (when compared to much wider swath of the population than the extremely niche group that goes into my profession), and being reminded that I am below average every day at work is a tough pill for me to swallow. I’ve always been, well, pretty much at the head of the class. Its extremely disheartening for me to go into work every day and be a “ditch-digger,” when there are younger, less experienced analysts working all around me, having more success, getting farther in their careers, reaping all the recognition and awards.

Is being below average a good enough reason to switch careers? How about having a bruised ego from realizing where I am– and will almost certainly stay– at the bottom of the dogpile? Should I just try harder, keep my head down and my shoulders in the harness, and be happy to bring home my solidly middle class paychecks?

Those questions would be easier to answer if I knew where my passions lay. I would love to have something that inspired me enough to take the leap, go back to school, take a huge paycut– whatever. Whatever would make it worth it. But I have far too much self-doubt in my own abilities to trust my instincts on the things that do seem to compel me. Some of the career moves I’ve considered I’d be plain embarassed to explain to all of my smart, ambitious, motivated professional friends and coworkers.

I am lucky that my husband (god, its still weird to say that) has a well-paying career. If I told him I’d like to quit my job and go work at a daycare for $8 an hour, he’d be a little shocked– but if he thought it would make me happy, he’d be the biggest promoter of that plan. I’m also fortunate that if I wanted to go back to school and study something else (my undergrad has almost 0% interest for me now, and is completely unrelated to my current profession), we’d have the resources to handle that, as well. Its almost like I am paralyzed by choice.

In the meantime, I am slumped over in my saddle, trying to get through these last 12 days before my next professional exam. Maybe over the summer I can spend more time examining myself and my inclinations, without the distractions I’ve had going on lately.

Could anyone just please tell me what I should do with my life?!